I was trading notes with one of our esteemed SFDL board members, telling him a little more "play by play" from the Top Gun tournament yesterday...and he said the broader SFDL group might be interested in hearing more about it. So, here is my recap of the day...which, for better or worse, has also morphed into an essay on competitive darts in general based on my four years playing.

First, I'm going to also give a bit of my (fairly limited) darting background for perspective.

I started competitive darts (at the ripe old age of 48) in D League in the Spring season of 2012 on Jersey's team. After that I played one season in B (Nestor's team) before moving to A league, where Mike H gave me a spot on his team. I thoroughly enjoyed both of those first two seasons in the D and B leagues. They were competitive but not so much so that I was overwhelmed by the pressure. But don't get me wrong, I remember my first match in D league and I was a total basket case.

Quickly after I started throwing, I wondered how good I could get...and wanted to challenge myself to find out. What I found was there are rewards and demons to be uncovered. The rewards mostly come from fleeting victories over my demons (which often still defeat me).

Though I cruised through my D and B league seasons, I was far less successful in A league initially. I might have won 1/2 of my regular season matches, but I wasn't at all reliable under pressure. My failures tend to make me want to put myself in those pressure situations more often, and I started that process by "playing up" to the A league special events while in B league and even played the ADO qualifiers my first season in D league. If I won a few matches, that was a moral victory. I certainly didn’t go in expecting to win.

So enough about my dart resume, such as it is. Suffice it to say for me, today, darts is half social (I'm lucky to have a great team and have met some wonderful friends in darts!) and half a quest to conquer my demons, my own mental weakness and refinement of my "throw.” As anyone who plays knows, one little moment of indecision, one little twitch...and the dart just isn't going to find the double...in which case the match may be lost. It's an extraordinary test, every time out. And it's even more extraordinary when one REALLY wants to do well. The confounding thing about darts is the more you try...the more you want it...oftentimes the more likely it will slip away.

Fast forward to this year's Top Gun. When I got the invitation a couple weeks ago, I suggested someone else play instead of me. Someone who I thought was throwing better than I am right now. (I didn't throw much over the holidays due to family stuff, and am just getting back up to speed.) I was included on the Top Gun team nonetheless. The team looked to me (on paper...which doesn't always translate) to be a very strong one. I boldly predicted an SFDL victory on Facebook. (Hell, what do I know? But I do know the 10 guys on the team are pretty good shooters...if I could just hold up my end. See the fear and doubt creeping in?)

This year Top Gun included three league teams in addition to ours, two from the Peninsula/South Bay and one from Santa Cruz. Each team played a full 13-game match (all 2 of 3 legs) versus all three other teams round robin. The team with the most total game wins after the round robin (out of 39 games total) would win Top Gun. So it amounted to the equivalent of about 6 or 7 Wednesday night matches in one day (when you consider that all games, even doubles, were best of 3 legs). Each team has 8 players who are ranked by their captain 1-8. The match starts with singles, with the Top ranked players matching off first. The best players play against the best on the other team and so on down. Then doubles, then the team game for a total of 13 games. Robert ranked me 5th, which was both a compliment and a little stressful, since I'd expected to be 7th or 8th. (Which means I had to play better opponents than I expected.)

As Saturday approached, I became increasingly excited. Hey, the league even bought us cool shirts...we really better throw well! But with the excitement came some sense of apprehension. I really don't want to let the team down. I really don't want to let the team down. I really don't want to let the team down. I really don't want to let the team down.

I arrived at Beefy's a little after 10am for the 11am start...the first one there from SFDL. By a half hour. Just me and a lot of folks I don't know drinking way too early in the morning (more about that later) and warming up. Very little small talk. I'm in enemy territory. Loose lips sink ships. Robert arrives and the team starts trickling in as we suit up in our team shirts looking really good and getting compliments from a few of our foes.

Our first match opened with Mike, PK, Jhun and Craig all winning their first singles games. My turn next! I stepped up and could not hit a thing. Total meltdown. My brain was on overdrive considering every possible aspect of my arm position and twitching muscles. (When throwing well, none of those thoughts are in my head at all.) My scoring was 40-something after 40 something (with a few worse mixed in!). Somehow I took one of the first two legs when my opponent couldn't hit his out. But in the third leg my scoring was pitiful until my last turn when I hit a 118 to set up 36. I never got a shot at it when my opponent ended the game with his outshot and I was officially the first LOSER for SFDL in Top Gun. I've choked before and I'll choke again. But I was really not happy about this one. There was a long day ahead, and I knew I’d better get my shit together or I’d be the goat. That's really all I could think. Which, of course, is entirely counter-productive. Putting more pressure on top of the pressure.

Now about drinking. I have to admit that I got another drink to calm the nerves. Most of the better players I know (but not all...both Jhun and Craig are exceptions) rely to varying degrees on booze to calm the nerves. Even most of the pros you see on TV playing in England are drinking backstage. It's a not so good part of darts...but also part of the "battle with demons" that makes it so interesting.

Aside from the drink, I also got some advice from Mike on my throw. I think this is the first time anyone has ever offered mechanical advice to me in the middle of a match. Mike was even a little sheepish doing it (suggesting I might just want to ignore it all), since the risk is that you will get in the head of the guy you're trying to help. But he either recognized I was so already in my own head that there was no downside, or he felt confident I could make a good adjustment. I did make the adjustment and it made a huge difference. Probably half due to the added hope and confidence of trying something new and having a reason to believe I might throw better. Ironically, the flaw in my throw was related to the demons. I find my nerves are more apparent when I throw softly, so I was throwing harder. As result, I was releasing the dart too late and not allowing it any natural arc and/or "pulling" it. Putting that arc (and earlier release) back in the throw really helped me.

I was paired with Jhun for doubles (all 8 players shoot doubles too). I usually am worse in doubles than singles (probably due in part to the added pressure of having a partner I could let down), but there was no possibility of being worse than I started, and I threw pretty well, taking one of our two outs and hitting some big numbers. That win calmed me down a little....and I went on to win the rest of my singles and doubles matches to end 5-1 on the day (and also hit an out in the team game when both teams were down to 4 left). (Team games are crazy. Especially ones with 8 players a side and no chance to develop any rhythm. But there's nothing better than being the guy to hit that out!)

Unfortunately, between warming up and playing…and the fact that matches are happening on two boards…I didn’t get to watch all my teammates’ matches. A few highlights that do stand out in my memory:

• Jhun was a great partner. I played doubles with him three times. Having played against him a number of times, generally with an unfavorable outcome, I’ve decided it’s a lot more run to be on his side. The same is true for most of the guys I shot with. It’s really fun to get to be on the same team as friends that have generally been opponents.
• Mike started us off in the critical match with a clutch 3-leg win that went right down to the wire vs. Reu. Reu is one of the best shooters in Northern California and that was a true battle of the titans. Mike winning it was BIG in terms of getting us off to a good start.
• In our first team game, we got down to the end of the match with a 10-2 record (including my loss…can’t let it go...). We knew SCVDA was romping in their match too and needed the team game to stay with them. An unfortunate Triple 17 with 57 left put us on 6. A three then left us with 3 to go. The absolute worst number to be left. The team proved unable in a few turns to either take it out or leave 2. Robert came up and saved the day by hitting the 1 double 1. Much cheering ensued.
• Craig, Robert and Jhun each went 6-0! (Wow!)

I wish I could have watched more of the other games. My attention was focused on getting myself ready for my games…which no surprise I remember with some detail. My last singles game was my most important one. We were tied with SCVDA and our 13-game match against them would decide it all. Sure enough, my demons came roaring back! I split the first two legs and lost the diddle and saw my opponent throw a ton to put me a little behind in the last leg. Somehow the demons stepped aside long enough to allow me to hit a 100 followed by a 180...and a good out shot. Those good turns under extraordinary pressure are what keep me coming back, even after times when the demons win.

There were a few of us who had never played in this event before. Everyone did really well. It was one of those rare days that goes nearly perfectly. Kudos to my fellow masochists who choose to subject themselves to lots of stress to try for the next level in this "game." Each step up is new and the demons come back until you prove to yourself you can conquer them. You will never really be ready to take that next step until you do it. I have nothing but respect for anyone who comes out to challenge players with more experience than they have. Kudos to the SFDL and local darts for providing so much opportunity to do just that. For a few bucks, you can come down to Dolores next Saturday to play in the ADO qualifier. If you do, you will play some of the league's best players. You may not qualify for the regionals, but you might win a leg, or two legs or more. And the demons you challenge shooting against stronger competition will make Wednesday nights seem a little easier by comparison.

Thanks to Robert, Mike and the SFDL board for supporting us in yesterday's event. Thanks to my mentors (Lor, Don and Mike top the list) in this game who have been so encouraging. Hats off to Bert who was an alternate on this team after very recently moving up from C league himself. No one I know right now is doing more to push his game than Bert. (The guy drives from SF up to Petaluma to play in our singles leagues in addition to everything else he's doing!!)

Days like yesterday keep me obsessed with throwing darts and fighting the demons.